2015, Urdu musings

Tumharay Naam.

Haan tou nahi ho na tum paas. Main ne kia karna hai. Jeena hai. Aur wesay tumharay baghair koi mar bhi nahi rahi. Tum ne kaha tha na koi nahi marta kisi ke liye. Theek hi kaha tha. Main subah uthti hun, kaam pe jaati hun, ghar aati hun tou bachchon ko dekh leti hun. Sab kuch tou wesa hi hai. Bus tum nahi ho aur sach me ab tou mujhe farq bhi nahi parta. Mein yaad nahi karti tumhain. Kabhi ek lamhay ko shayad kar bhi leti hongi magar yaad nahi. Aakhri baar sadiyon pehley roi thi. Ab seekh lia hai mein ne kisi kay liye na ronay ka dhang. Aa gaya hai mujhe sab kuch. Sab kuch. Sab kuch. Sab. Sab.                    Tumhain batana chahti hun ke yahan sab khair hai. Meri beti aur mera beta dono theek hain. Mazay me hain. Hamaray pas khanay ko aik se aik cheez hoti hai. Kabhi khali pait taraptay nahi sotay. Ye loug school jatay hain, kaam me haath bhi bataty hain, shikayat nahi kartay. Hum me se koi bhi shikayat nahi karta. Khush rehna seekh gaye hain. Rehm nahi mangtay. Apna apna jeetay hain. Saath detay hain. Bohat si cheezon me saath detay hain…
Tumharay honay na honay se koi farq nahi parta. Waqai nahi parta. Ab ye na samajhna kay bar bar duhraa kar jataa rahi hun taakay tumhain bura lagay. Nahi mein sirf tumharay sukoon ke liye bata rahi hun ke kabhi tum palatt kar aanay ka socho tou uss khayal ko bhi phaansi de dena. Hamari zindagiyan tabah mat karna. Dekho hum sab bohat khush hain. Main tumhain yaad bhi nahi karti ab.

Kia tum wahan khush ho? Wo tumara khayal rakhti hai? Tum ab bhi khanay me bhindi aur gosht shoq se khatay ho? Raat ko beech me uth kar paani peetay ho? Cigarette lena chhor di hai? Na chhori ho tou ab chhor do. Ye zindagi ko khatam karti hai. Wese mujhe farq nahi parta matlab mujhe farq hi kia parna hai! Mujhe tou us ki boo bhi nahi aati ab. Soch rahi hun kabhi mera beta naa piye. Usay hargiz aisa nahi karne dungi. Tum apne ird gird kay logon ka khayal rakhna.                         Raat kaafi nikal gayi hai. Chalti hun.

This is a transliterated version of تمہارے نام [Thank you, Mahaah, for typing it out.]


16 thoughts on “Tumharay Naam.

  1. Thank you for uploading the transliterated version (thanks to Mahaah, too). I seriously need to get a move on with my Urdu learning. With the transliteration though, I can make some sense of the Urdu version too (like I can connect the letters and stuff).

    Anyhoo, this is something. I don’t know what made you write this, but this feels genuine. I mean, the emotions of separation and loss and denial and coping up with life; all that stuff is so well encapsulated. Like someone mentioned in your original post, the repetition of some of the phrases really leaves a mark.
    And that ending, “Raat kaafi nikal gayi hai. Chalti hun.” That reminded me of something I wrote a long time back.

    Thanks again for sharing this beautiful piece.

    • Cool that you can connect the letters and things with the transliteration. And you’re welcome, always.

      Shukria so much for this comment! For understanding it like it was. ‘All’ that stuff. 🙂

      Would love to know what it was that you wrote back then. That is, if you still have it and feel okay about sharing it.

  2. Hiba says:

    Thanks for the English translation version. My Urdu is soooo sloww.
    But wow, I like this because of how the girl has managed to get over this guy, and is actually satisfied with life.
    It was a nice read 🙂

  3. Falak says:

    yaaar, rulaogi kya? i was already senti, and now i might cry.
    kitna jhoot. har jumley mein kitne saarey jhoot. aur usse bhi zyada pyar.
    u broke my heart in the end 😦
    beautiful, heartbreakingly so.

    • Falak says:

      Oh wait. just saw the comments. im the only one that thinks she hasnt moved on, and actually means the opposite of what shes saying. was it supposed to be like that?

      • She has moved on in a sense that she has managed to put together a functional life after him. She has not moved on in a sense that she still misses his presence. The oxymoronic construct of the letter points to the fact that she MEANS what she says – every bit of it (and not the opposite, as you assume). Even the denial is not just the denial – it’s the ACCEPTANCE of denial. There is NO LIE here, like you assume; Conflicting truths don’t necessarily necessitate a lie.

        Please read the capitalized text for the summary.

    • Falak! ❤

      It's like that. And I love your response too.
      As for the comments, I think is pe different views hain cuz people take what they take. Somehow they're all right..
      Thank you so much for reading! It's great to see you here, honestly.

  4. “Life is the name of sanctification given to yourself”
    We have to satisfy with every up and downs in our lives and this piece has greatly explained the depression of a girl and satisfaction which she gives to her self deep inside the heart.

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