Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

If they find you.

“There is more and more I tell no one…”
~Jane Hirshfield

There is more and more I tell no one. It kills me how I’m dying.

You came to see me two months ago and I have been missing you ever since. Every morning, as soon as I wake up, I make a prayer for you to be there and then I open my eyes. Slowly. Expectantly. But then you’re never here. Nobody is. And you know, that always makes me smile. Because hope never tires, does it?
(It’s embarrassing too, to think what I have become, but I cannot just help it. I am waiting for you to show up.)

The doctors told me yesterday I haven’t got much time remaining on my hands. I said to them, thank you. I thought they did this so I could develop an understanding of my case and accept what was going to happen to me. One of them sighed and came closer to my bed, put his hand on my forehead and gently asked me if there was someone I would like to call. Oh, now I get it, I remember thinking. They want to know if I’m truly that lonely or if there might be just someone out there who would take care of my funerary customs and claim their relation maybe. Could someone like me be just that alone? All alone?

Yes, I wanted to say. I would very much like to see him. I am yearning to see him. If his image could be my last image and his scent my last scent, I wouldn’t want anything else in the world to say I died happy. But I cannot die happy. You are not here and you won’t come even if I ask them to tell you everything; that I’m dying in a few days, that I’m sorry, terribly sorry; because that is what I deserve. I deserve this, I do. I have damaged a lot of lives. I cannot change things back. I am learning everything here in this room–this hospital room– but I think I’ve gotten too late for lessons this time. It’s of no use.

If they somehow still find you please be kind enough to bury me with your forgiveness.

22 responses

  1. If they somehow still find you please be kind enough to bury me with your forgiveness.
    *hyperventilating* Eeee…That last line!

    November 7, 2015 at 10:52 pm

  2. Gripping story!

    November 7, 2015 at 11:21 pm

  3. What a heartfelt post!!! Recently I heard this quote “cancer patients don’t get depressed because they are dying, they get depressed when they are dying alone”.
    I don’t know how true it is but your touching story reminded me of it.

    November 8, 2015 at 1:31 am

    • That’s so right.. I had thought of both cancer and depression when writing about her, but didn’t give it a name for some reason. Thank you so much for your comment, Ameena!

      November 17, 2015 at 2:10 pm

  4. I love how the intensity picked up as the piece went on. It was a whirlwind of emotions. And that last line though. That was really something. I read that line so many times.
    Your prose is as good as your poetry.

    November 8, 2015 at 7:12 pm

  5. Death has the power to show us our sins and our wrongdoings.
    brilliantly penned down!

    November 8, 2015 at 7:56 pm

  6. I was sad. Now I’m crying. Thank you.
    P.s. I love this post.

    November 9, 2015 at 12:15 am

  7. Hiba

    The last line…
    I think that line’s personal to me.
    Amazing post, Maria🙂

    November 9, 2015 at 5:26 pm

  8. Areesha Sadiq

    This is a nice post, makes you think that one day everything wont be the same it used to be .

    November 10, 2015 at 5:55 pm

  9. Reblogged this on StarsFeelsandPoetry.

    November 10, 2015 at 7:19 pm

  10. Hello Ria, Idk from where you are in Pakistan but I really enjoyed your work tbh.
    I was looking for blogs who could post some of my work because I need it for my common app and it lead me to you. If you could contact me and help me out (you don’t have to post my work- just generally help me out) that would be really helpfulll
    Thank youu and your work really is lovely

    November 10, 2015 at 7:23 pm

    • Hii.
      You can talk to me here. I am so sorry about replying this late.
      Thank you for your kind words about my work.🙂

      November 17, 2015 at 12:50 pm

  11. This is deep Maria, well written

    November 16, 2015 at 12:41 am

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