2020, Passages

Moving

We came there holding baby Ibad in our arms, family awing together at the three-bedroom space, girls chattering about which room should now be theirs and then suddenly screaming because there are pigeons sitting inside!

“It’s okay, it’s okay, we’re not shifting today. The house will be clean when you come.” Today we were only seeing.

And then it was. We kids don’t know how but we know who did it. Baba. Baba and some workers. Baba and some electricians. Baba and some movers. Baba and some van walas. Baba and some plumber, carpenter, chokidaars. We only found the house ready. And clean.

Today we moved again, baby Ibad now seventeen, and one of us little girls married with kids of her own. The house is four-bedroom big, and we’re awing at it even more, but the feelings are not so singular anymore. There’s fear, there’s joy, there’s tiredness, there’s a thousand thoughts and jobs to do. A full rain and rainbow. Even Baba is now old but with Ibad and some men, he has handled most of it.

And then we’re handling the rest. We’re coping with the sweet change but also with the monstrous rain, no-signals, no Internet, no cable for a few more days. We’re also trying to manage the inside of the house and unlike our childhood, shifting and moving requires way more work than it looked like.

Anyhow, it’s also very spiritually moving, this whole experience. It’s shifting perspectives, memories, and making space for new beginnings. So when chaos lifts, there’s ease nearby.

 inshaAllah ❤

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2017, Passages

Dua//Mangnay wala aur Denay wala

Dua ke maamlay me mai aam musalmanon ki tarah bohat ehmaq waqay hua hun. Na janay kyun dua maangtay waqt meray dil ki gehraiyun se ye khayal ubharta hai ke dua suntay waqt Allah taala sank baksh moulvi sahab ka roop dhaar letay hain, pehlay wo naak par romaal rakh letay hain phir hath me aik chimti pakar letay hain phir gandi, ghaleez, hawas-bhari aur na-jaaiz duaon ko is chimti se utha utha kar door phaink detay hain. Phir naak se romaal hataty hain. Chimti aik taraf rakh detay hain aur haath dho kar bachi kuchi saaf suthri duaon ka jaaiza letay hain. In me se bhi na-maaqool duain nikaal kar phaink detay hain aur phir baqya duaon ko aik taraf rakh detay hain ke fursat ke waqt in par ghor karain gay.

La shaoor me rachay basay huay is aitebaar ki waja se mujh aisay aam gunahgaar musalmanon ne na tou kabhi dua ke mafhoom ko samjha hai, na maangnay ke fail ko jaan hai aur na qubool karnay wali ki azmat ka raaz paya hai.

Meri apni halat ye hai ke dua ke liye hath uthanay se pehlay sochta hun ke kaheen mai itna tou maang raha ke denay walay pe bojh ho jaye? Kaheen aisi cheez tou nahi maang raha jo na-jaaiz hai, jo ghaleez hai, jis me gunaah ka ansar maujood hai. Kaheen is dua se meri taba’i hawas ka bhaid tou nahi khulta? Phir mai arz karta hun ke Ya Allah! Mai harees nahi hun, mai tujh se ziada nahi maangta. Sirf utna maang raha hun jis ki mujhay ashadd zaroorat hai aur jisay dena teray liye baar na hoga.

 

Is ke sath hi meray dil se aik halki si aawaaz aati hai. Itni halki si ke suni nahi ja sakti:

“Ya Allah! Dekh le, mai kitna acha aadmi hun. Mai ne tujh par bojh nahi daala Mai ne aisi dua nahi maangi ke tujhay naak par romaal rakhna paray, chimti uthani paray. Ya Allah dekh le aisi dua maang kar mai ne tujh par kitna ehsaan kia hai?” Continue reading

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2017, Passages

((Khamoshi))

Raasta sunsaan tha aur chaaron taraf khamoshi phaili hui thi.  Khamoshi ki bhi aik apni aawaaz hoti hai.  Aik apni kefiat hoti hai.  Aik apna hi pattern hota hai.  Mai ne aik zamanay me mukhtalif khamoshiyan record ki theen.  Raat ke aik bajay maqbara e Noor Jehan ke bahar paanch minute ki khamoshi record ki thi.  Phir adhi raat ko Samanabad ki Doonghi Ground ki khamoshi record ki thi.  Phir Cholistan me adhi raat ka sannata record kia tha.  Ye teenon recordain meray paas moujood hain aur mai ne inhain kai lougo ko sunwaya hai.  Aik jaga ki khamoshi dusri jaga se mukhtalif hai.  Jab aik nihayat hi khamosh jaga me aadmi teen ghantay tak musalsal betha rahay tou ibtida me is par barri khushgawar kefiat guzarti hain.  Phir dil dharaknay ki sada anay lagti hai. Is ke sath nabz chalnay aur ragon ke pharaknay ki aawaaz shuru ho jati hai aur ahista ahista ye sadaen itni buland ho jati hain ke “kanon” ke parday phatnay lagtay hain aur andar bahar beshumar dhol bajnay lagtay hain.  Itni oonchi aawaaz aati hai ke aadmi se bardasht nahi hoti aur wo muztarib ho ke sannatay se bahar nikalnay ki koshish karta hai aur in aawaazon me panah dhoondta hai jo uskay maamool me dakhil hoti hain.  Sannata aur khamoshi barra azab hai.

Safar dar Safar, Ashfaq Ahmed.

This book is all sorts of beautiful. I’m halfway through and can’t wait to hold it again. Another one I’m reading is Labbaik by Mumtaz Mufti. Intihai <3. #currentreads

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2014, Passages

façade

‘I was worried for you.’

“You needn’t be. I am okay by myself.”

“I know you are not. Nobody with red, swollen eyes is.”

“Oh, stop. That’s called sleep deprivation.”

“It’s called a hopeless-struggle-to-put-on-a-mask, silly!”

“Not even a term”, I replied.

 

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