One day

“Don’t run on the stairs, Maria”
“Miss, I am Moniba”
Or was it vice-versa? 😂 Even the memory is jumbled now but we know it was Miss Ismat who scolded one of us and smiled the very next moment because she had mixed us up. And it wasn’t the only time it happened. Oh, not at all!

We got asked in the lift as well. And then we would always measure if we actually looked that alike. Lekin kahaan se? Oh and your maami’s. 😁 and then “are you sisters?” even in university. Yes, yes we are.

But one of my favorite twinning memory has to be sharing our pair of shoes while going to Taye abba’s. A school shoe and a casual chappal wappal. Best. Feeling. Ever. 😆

Not even a day to your Nikkaah and here I am, far but there. May Allah always keep us close. 💜

Ily. So much so much so much.

MashaAllah, Alhamdulillah and everything good.

Three days

Three days to go, three things to show.

A heart pebble. You love pebbles so much there is an entire collection of it in a box on your table. Probably left it for your niece here. Of course you will find another in Dubai. Achi jaga hai.
But we won’t find people who would gift us PEBBLES. And flowers. Look at that cloud, sit on the grass, come let’s admire this abnormal looking very fascinating tree. SubhanAllah. Remember our walks from Sufi? VS. Leaves falling. Magic, magic, magic.

A key. It might not be the same but I think it is. Because I saved it in a very old piggy bank type of thing that I got at my aameen or something. It had these little memories packed aesthetically. And in there was this key. Of your “secret drawer” that you had hidden from me at your old house. So I sneaked it, all those years back, think pink maxi and Nayalish at your party, it’s that old a story. What did the drawer have? Your socks?

This poem. You are my quart. That’s an emotional one so I will say it without words. I love you.

1:20 AM

I do wish I could tell you about this but I dont know you.

We three are in some transition modes. Or like, some major life points. All three. Very different, some you would call more important than the other and youd be right. But dil hai na. Dil feels enough all the time. Like how they say about pain. Ke you cant say one suffered more than the other. I mean you can actually. But if you drop the comparison thing altogether…. then we can come to our second point:

We are all pretty empathetic. We dont blame each other. At least thats what I think and believe. About them too. So we give each other the space even when we need it so much but in our own spheres this all-of-it is hurting and messing up.

So I would know that I am hurting. But I also know theirs can be bigger in magnitude because of course. I think the thing is that we can’t all be with each other this time. We know it will settle but letting it settle like this is a lesson itself.

( We are unaware of each others background stories this time. Ideally we should be with amd without in it but realistically things run not like that. I edited to add this bit as well as cut one word from above. Because shit )

How fake am I? If I was head to toe fake, I would become unreal. And that isnt possible. So I am being hard on myself.

But in this world in this time, fake and real are so mixed up. Ethereal matters. You think your head is one and your heart another. Yo soul what was your game?

Things have of course changed.

My phones battery is low and I have an alarm set on it. Pity. I couldn’t even write about the important things. Such drama. And here I choose the title of this post. Or not.

I am not even thinking. Or am I?

University diaries Part 2

3:51. Department of Zoology. About 52 students sitting right in front of me writing their exams. And I, their almost-same-age teacher sitting with one henna-stained hand under her chin, writing words that are either coming or not coming at all. They are all so busy like I once was. I can see myself in that audience so clearly. And from here? It’s very different. I remember the tension of that time. The need to give it your all. But once I had done, I couldn’t wait to submit and end the drill. It would take all of my good stuff to recheck my exam once because important, can’t take risks right?! And now I wish they would finish theirs sooner.

..

The difference between dpt/o Zoology and dpt/o Psychology is that I have Z’s exams in envelopes and P’s roughly tied. Z’s office was actually so cooperative. They sent a volunteer who did a lot of work and were overall so respectful. P isn’t. One I thanked and meant it, the other I thanked but that’s it. Always goes both ways wesay, feelings are mutual you say.

..

A student from P met me after it was over. She said she wanted to personally thank me kyunke hamara bohat acha waqt guzra aap ke saath. I thanked her and told her the same, and instantly thought of Sir S who thanked US when we totally totally were indebted to him. It was a cycle.

Other things happened as well. But I am done writing for now. Happy whatever day it is!

Quart

I was already so overwhelmed with my own event yesterday that my bestfriendseventtodayhasleftmeinavery different kind of phase. I want to forget that both these things are happening but it is the realest shit ever mashaAllah. Keep her happy always always Allah tala.

in and out, death

I read this again today. Because of course, it’s the day. Three years to Taye Abba. Just three!!! It feels like forever. I am feeling a mix of things right now esp. because of going through that old one.

I got featured on TV for something recently so Tayi ammi called me to congratulate about that. She said your taye abba would have been so proud of you. Like he always was. And in that moment I said thank you, tayi ammi, it feels special to me that you would say that.

It’s like everyone in the khaandaan finds moments to think and talk of him randomly. He is still very much there in that sense but DEATH does this THING. Death tears everything apart and it’s not true. Nothing after it is true so there’s that.

Anyway, another Ramadan is here. I don’t even have anything else to add right now.