You are my place. My safe haven, the only home to all of my poetry.
You are the mystical embrace. You are my dark man’s space.
I have become so much more in the years. So much more than a girl who loves to write in her diaries.
I make diaries now.
It’s not weird, it’s classic. This is where the mind whirls and we only end up with cliches.
3:51. Department of Zoology. About 52 students sitting right in front of me writing their exams. And I, their almost-same-age teacher sitting with one henna-stained hand under her chin, writing words that are either coming or not coming at all. They are all so busy like I once was. I can see myself in that audience so clearly. And from here? It’s very different. I remember the tension of that time. The need to give it your all. But once I had done, I couldn’t wait to submit and end the drill. It would take all of my good stuff to recheck my exam once because important, can’t take risks right?! And now I wish they would finish theirs sooner.
..
The difference between dpt/o Zoology and dpt/o Psychology is that I have Z’s exams in envelopes and P’s roughly tied. Z’s office was actually so cooperative. They sent a volunteer who did a lot of work and were overall so respectful. P isn’t. One I thanked and meant it, the other I thanked but that’s it. Always goes both ways wesay, feelings are mutual you say.
..
A student from P met me after it was over. She said she wanted to personally thank me kyunke hamara bohat acha waqt guzra aap ke saath. I thanked her and told her the same, and instantly thought of Sir S who thanked US when we totally totally were indebted to him. It was a cycle.
Other things happened as well. But I am done writing for now. Happy whatever day it is!
Diaries were her favorite possessions. Especially that mauve colored, thick, velvety diary. It was more special to her than anything else in the world, as she once told me.
Beginning to write in a brand new diary appears to be one of the most difficult tasks in the world, and we both agreed to that. Because one must seriously consider what use that lovable creature could bring, they after all were divine things. After a considerable amount of time she had finally decided what her object would collect; she will write her daily musings and personal rants into it. She will call it her ‘personal journal’, her ‘dear diary’.
All these years I had never seen her open herself into anybody else but her dd, she trusted only it. Nobody could ever believe it if they were told, that it were only a simple set of pages that she adorn too much. But I could, for I knew what significance those pages held for her. I was a diary-lover myself.
I was. I am no more. Because I shudder when I reminisce her dreadful demise.
It was one windy winter night, a December night to be exact, when the ‘dementor’ in her destroyed it cruelly. A strong jab from a sharp knife pierced the velvety mauve cover from the middle; and the dark purple ribbon that was tied in a bow with a tiny purple sequin was torn. But that single stab wasn’t enough. Her wild self called her to selfishly avenge each page, for having stored her prettiest of memories. Like a hypnotized victim did she obey, and individually tore every single page, scratched harshly some lines on her favorite poems and cut stupidly each name that she once wrote lovingly. What couldn’t be destroyed with knife or pen was rubbed by hand, for she was destined to erase it all and not leave a single sign.
It was after some long minutes struggle, or perhaps some hours time that she finally recovered and her demented soul crashed – And for the next more hours she sobbed silently in a corner of her room. Her thunderous screams had by now converted themselves into soft, muffled sobs and her spirited energy had collapsed into a helpless, clueless person.
She had called me that day, and yet she never spoke. I kept on asking what the matter was but all my efforts had gone in vain. She had promised not to speak and she kept to it, and she kept to it such that she didn’t even allow herself to ask her anything else. What, when, or how it had happened, she knew not. And her silence only murdered what ever part of her was left, for the next day I witnessed her death.
It won’t be wrong to say that she was obsessed with ‘diaries’ because there was nobody else that she could care for. The pure soul she was deserved not a single gift of heartache. When I entered into her room the other day I could see what had happened there. Others can not even imagine what that night must have been, but I had a chance to actually sense it because that is what she left there for me to feel, herself.
Beneath her crumpled, torn-apart pages lied fragments of her unhappy life; from her ugly days to her poignant nights and all those unbearably torturous moments that came between the phases of day and night, all laid there but now dead. Dead as she was.
Tears blocked my vision as I saw her coffined body in the spacious lawn outside, how peacefully did she imitate herself to be. Her nonliving body rested uncomfortably for sure, but she had postured it such to pretend calmness, calm that she never was. A bright smile decorated her white face, and made them all praise how peacefully she had gone! Oh how peacefully, please ask me.
They lifted her away in no time, some faked hysterical cries and some really did weep. But it wasn’t long after she had gone that they all prepared to leave too, oh how they loved her.
I was left alone there, and so I entered into her room again. But all those pieces had disappeared, those pages were all gone! However it didn’t shock me, for I knew that had to happen. Dementors of self are the dementors of worst kinds.
Her purple bow-ribbon was surprisingly still there, perhaps they had forgotten to hide it. While I quickly turned to pick it up, what astonished me was an untouched, whole page from her diary close by! Mixed emotions of fear and fulfillment ran down my spine but alas! I failed to move an inch towards it for my feet had stuck to the floor.
I wasn’t asked what I wanted to do, and it was made clear that I could only return if I never dared to touch it. So I took my steps backward and left the room with a heavy heart, forever.
© 2013 Maria Imran *Randomly Abstract*.
Heya people!
I was so busy with my exams that I missed blogging for quite a time (except when I just HAD to put the 11 May post) and now that my exams have ended and SUCH a monotonous and tiring schedule has reached its end, I’m back! 😀
These days have been so tiring, really! Our exams timetable had been so devised that there was just a day gap between each paper and that means that within like 10 days, we had to give 5 tough papers! And people like me who save for the end A LOT to study get practically killed. Physics, Maths and Chemistry are were my subjects and 10 to 11 chapters in each.
The study system here is very different than that used in the West. Well, the faculty I had chosen was Pre-Engineering which was a headache. Not really, but it was difficult in the days I was studying it through boring teacher lectures. And as soon as I began to study them comprehensively for exams, they appeared to me to be very interesting! But the irony was, that as soon as I found them interesting, the session had come to is end. 😉
Enough for the studies info, now that I’m done with these examinations, and am free, I plan to do the following:
Would love to know your suggestions too! 🙂
Time to spread my wings and take a flight ♥
-Maria.
Randomly Abstract 