By the roaring waves!

1:20 AM

I do wish I could tell you about this but I dont know you.

We three are in some transition modes. Or like, some major life points. All three. Very different, some you would call more important than the other and youd be right. But dil hai na. Dil feels enough all the time. Like how they say about pain. Ke you cant say one suffered more than the other. I mean you can actually. But if you drop the comparison thing altogether…. then we can come to our second point:

We are all pretty empathetic. We dont blame each other. At least thats what I think and believe. About them too. So we give each other the space even when we need it so much but in our own spheres this all-of-it is hurting and messing up.

So I would know that I am hurting. But I also know theirs can be bigger in magnitude because of course. I think the thing is that we can’t all be with each other this time. We know it will settle but letting it settle like this is a lesson itself.

( We are unaware of each others background stories this time. Ideally we should be with amd without in it but realistically things run not like that. I edited to add this bit as well as cut one word from above. Because shit )

How fake am I? If I was head to toe fake, I would become unreal. And that isnt possible. So I am being hard on myself.

But in this world in this time, fake and real are so mixed up. Ethereal matters. You think your head is one and your heart another. Yo soul what was your game?

Things have of course changed.

My phones battery is low and I have an alarm set on it. Pity. I couldn’t even write about the important things. Such drama. And here I choose the title of this post. Or not.

I am not even thinking. Or am I?

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2019, Proses

Graves are for dead, dead are for graves

“You are keeping him from forgiveness because you don’t want to let go of him. This is your excuse for keeping his memory intact – the wound doesn’t even exist anymore!”

“What rubbish! No. The wound does exist, how can it not? I can fill all my heart but that tiny void. His grave. And he must pay for it. If not here then there. But I…” she paused for a moment: “I must keep him answerable until then.”

“Dead use graves. Let him die for once.”

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2019, Proses

Bless you, wild/torn heart

I never told you and never heard it. But when morning sun rises its especially assigned metaphor does too. Bless hope. Burn hope.

I never told you but I wonder if you kind of knew. You know, kind of. And wonder is the keyword. Because what else are we capable of? Oh existential dread.

I want to write something poetic. If I thought of you long enough, maybe I could. But who has the energy? I mean, even you would know that. Neither of us.

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2018, raw and rough

Life not life, More unedited.

mirage. embodiment of a faraway feeling. ethereal. magic. longing. desperation. void in a voice. void in a connection. a connection about slow failure. a connection of ultimate longing. endless, never reaching manzil. a breath taking view but also lungs constricting, tear inducing. sob in the pillow, drink down the scream. so tough. so lonely. so unloving. temporary peace. temporary laughter. temporary butterflies. hand out. reach out. get out.

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2018, Poems and poetry, raw and rough

No edits.

It still means a cold hard blow
cold hard blow on the heart
like someone hammers it into pieces
while looking sideways
you’re so hurt yourself, you say
it was never intentional to reach
here. this
now
is our collective mistake. or something from the universe
if only you could stop right now
if only you could go back in time
one last time back in time one last —
you’d do it again.

You would.

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2018, raw and rough

Midnight call.

Hello. I need help again today.

How many people ask you for help on this very day?

Well, hey, don’t put down the phone during any minute. I have so much to say.

I feel like crying today. I feel like crying a lot. I don’t know. Remember that person?

You know, I was very happy today. I was very happy until later when this started. You know, I would have closed everything down, shut myself to the sweet escape but right now, I am talking to you. Because I’m so done with running away. I run to reach the same place every freaking time. I am so done.

Hello? Please say something else. I know you get me. I know you understand. I am already breathing, I am not dying. And by the way, I can never actually commit suicide, like ever. Inshaa Allah as well but like never.

Okay, I am listening. But I am not done yet?

You listen to me. I wrote my first poem today. It was so painful it was exhilarating. 

You listen to me. I wrote my last poem today. It was only painful.

You listen to me. I never intended to take it all so seriously.

You listen to me. I miss every dead person on earth tonight. I can feel the graveyard wind inside me. The sad laughter of the sister killed for honor. The sad laughter of the struggling maid. The sad laughter of the parents of the raped child. The sad laughter of the fallen bird. The hollow dread of a Justin Cronin novel.

I haven’t read in ages. I have a viva tomorrow. Remember I told you I loved exams for their distracting power? I don’t right now because it’s not working.

I can hear his chair creaking. I know he is sitting in the last room by the staircase with a pack of cigarettes. You know I hate cigarettes. But how would you know? You’re just a therapist. A listener, that’s all. A dead phone line.

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2017, By the roaring waves!, Poems and poetry, Proses

Spots of No light

Everything is fine. Outwardly. Where out is the edge of earth I’m standing on; inside me is a lava. It’s ready to erupt but wouldn’t—you’d think my body is brave enough to hold it but really, it’s the sight of uncountable blisters already on my skin that quiet it.

Before me lie fields and fields of night.

I can’t make sense of it, but sometimes I run, telling myself it’s still some direction even if I don’t know it. Alas, I find myself back where I started, my struggle wasted on dark space, and my already tired limbs.

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2017, Proses, Urdu musings

soliloquy

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I could still show the pieces of your then-polluting, now-rotten heart, and prove to the world it was not I who was mistaken. I can also present myself as an evidence — a heap of mess, covering blisters caused by the burst of these emotions that never wait too long to spill. Ah, your name still holds magic.

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تمہاری یاد آج بھی زخموں پر نمک کا کام کرتی ہے۔۔۔ چاہے یہ الفاظ استعمال کے ساتھ اپنی وقعت کھو ہی کیوں نہ چکے ہوں۔ ہاں، جلتے پر تیل، زخموں پر نمک۔  اچھا خاصا تمہیں بھول چکی تھی کہ آج ڈرائیور نے کہا کوئی دروازے پر پھول چھوڑ گیا ہے۔  پھول تو تمہاری طرف سے نہ تھے مگر ایسا تم کتنا کیا کرتے تھے!  صدیاں تو بیت گئی ہونگی؟۔۔۔  اب کون سے پھول، کہاں کی خوشبو!  ہاں مگر پھول تو آئے تھے۔  میں نے ڈرائیورسے پوچھا ان پر کوئی کارڈ لگا ہے کیا؟  جواب ملا، ہاں شاید۔  تو میں نے اس سے گذارش کی کہ خود ہی پڑھ کے بتا دے۔  مجھے تو ان سے وحشت آتی ہے!  بیچارا حیرت سے دیکھ ریا تھا، پڑھ بھی دیا۔  کسی اور نے بھجوائے تھے اور بھجوائے بھی کسی اور کے نام تھے!  میں تو سن کر ہنسنے لگی۔  ڈرائیور کو کہا ساتھ والے بنگلے میں جو سارہ بی بی رہتی ہیں انہیں کو دے آوٗ۔  ان کے لئے آیا ہے اور دیکھو یہاں پہنچ گیا!  کوریر والے سے غلطی ہوگئی ہوگی۔  غلطیاں تو خیر سب ہی سے ہوتی ہیں۔  مجھ سے بھی ہوئی تھی۔

میں لاوٗنج سے اٹھ کر اپنے کمرے میں آگئی۔

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2013, By the roaring waves!

Dated till there are colors in this world: You have a reason to live! =)

I like colors. It’s as simple (read: cliched) as that.

They give hope. They represent life. They are the reason we are here. (This can go deep. If I try. But I won’t. Lelz)

I am editing this post Idk why. It was written back in 2013 and yes, this blog was as simple as that. And the fact that I’m now editing it, is why I’m complicated. [K]

It’s a blessing we can see. It’s a blessing we can sense. It’s a blessing we are part of the color-filled universe and ABLE to see that.

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When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out:
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

– unknown author.

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Are you happy?

How long can a person remain happy if he/she receives a happy news, good grades, great time with friends or family, or any sort of happiness bucket?
How long can he actually live in that state of excitement and how long in your view does the timely happiness prevails?

By the roaring waves!

Are you happy?

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By the roaring waves!

Sadness Tracks Happiness: Emotions.

lazy_summer_afternoon

Sadness tracks Happiness.

PROVED.

I came home today, and I was pretty excited for no reason…I laughed, and played, and shouted, and enjoyed. Later, I was trapped in that depressive mode of mine:

And I began humming sad tunes.

Sketching.

Sitting.

And pondering.

Why does that always happen? Why does sadness track happiness? Why is sadness powerful?

 

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By the roaring waves!

My Blog Is my Best Friend..!

 

People don’t understand you? Do they? That is, except your mom, and  sis, and your best friend? Or maybe your teacher too? (oops, that is a lot of them!!) But well, they don’t exactly understand everything! They might get tired of listening to your ‘rubbish talks’ and they might find it boring to listen about ‘your stupid embarrassing moments’ again and again?!! Right?

THaT IS WHy i LOVE MY bLOG!!!

You see, you can put everything in your blog..Its your Hyde park! It won’t scold you, get bored, or forget you! It will always be there for you!(But yes, you can get caught if the person who-must-not-read-this, reads this:P)

And what makes me write this is what happened a couple of days before…

  1. I got 92% in my Final Exams, Alhamdulillah:D
  2. I was pleased to have so many calls, messages and Facebook comments to congratulate me.
  3. The same night, a very embarrassing scene happened. I was waiting for my father to come home with a CHOCOLATE FUDGE CAKE that he had promised me, when the bell rang! I rushed towards the door, and without even asking who it was, opened it wide! With a long rant of “ASSALAMOALAIKUM!!!”. Our building’s gatekeeper was standing in front of me, very surprised.
  4. I had the MOST DELICIOUS choc fudge cake everrrr!!!:D
  5. I found out that a choc. fudge cake could be a great anti-depressant and mood-fixer!!!
  6. I slept well.

Now you see, I wanted to tell everything to anyone! And I realized that I could, you know, paint all my thoughts in my randomlyabstract blog!

[update Aug, 2014: Wow. I can’t believe I wrote that. But I remember the fudge cake and the embarrassing salaam. And the celebrations waghera. But maaaan.;_; ]

 

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By the roaring waves!

Set Upset..!

Last few days I was quite upset and more than that,”confused!”…Yes seriously,and it was because of the thousand thoughts occupying my mind…You get it or not but it was somewhat like this that Half of my million thoughts were stored in the back cupboard of my mind to be thought and thought over..Memories to remember,points to shed tears on…,scenes to be embarrased at and thing to laugh at..!Ooh and yes,future plans and present tensions!!All had just disturbed my set of mind and made me “upset!” I had less time to think for what is going on and what had happened than to move the curtain of back mind,giving it place to crowd my already crowded mind…..

Well,life is all that circular disturbance,its just how you treat it..It will always welcome you with offending truths and bitter realities so why not put a role that accepts realities and move on with it..?(I know thats VERY difficult but why not just try?) Why not forgive someone instantly and why not PRETEND TO BE HAPPY FOR ALL THOSE PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY OUT THERE?

No life is perfect and nobody is born happy..But everybody is born with the ability of being happy and spreading happiness.Lets do that!!

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